Amish Paradise Story by Elisa P. Black Song by "Weird" Al Yancovic *As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain *I take a look at my wife and realize she very plain *But that's just perfect for an Amish like me *You know, I shun fancy things like electricity The surrounding green hills were breathtakingly simple as he strolled through the golden field of strong, young wheat with his wife. Nicholas watched her quiet stolidity and realized that she was undoubtedly the plainest woman he'd ever "cared for," let a lone set eyes on. Ever. In his 650 years. But that was OK. She was good and pure. All of the evil things usually stayed away from this little society, the electricity and LaCroix and such. That was all that mattered. *At 4:30 in the mornin', I milkin' cows *Jebediah feed the chickens and Jacob plows, fool *And I been milkin' and plowin' so long *That even Ezekial thinks that my mind is gone An hour or so before dawn, he strode into the barn with a few pails. The cows mooed happily to see him. (Eh-hem. Guess why.) Pulling up a stool to the nearest bovine, he sat and began to work. Up, down, up, down. Squirts of that disgusting white liquid fell into the bucket while another kind of liquid flowed through veins just a few centimeters away from his head... He looked around anxiously. All clear. His brother-in-law and nephew were out feeding the chickens and plowing. He sank his teeth into the previous wounds... (Uh... uh... This scene has been edited out for obvious reasons.) As he made his way back to the house, he spotted Jacob plowing in the fields. That made him flashback to a few nights ago when he had been plowing. As he made his way doggedly up and down, up and down the rows, he'd been listening to the night sounds. Crickets and night birds and little animals skittered and cried. Then he'd heard a conversation starting from the porch. It had been Grandpa Ezekial talking with Jebediah. Ezekial had said," That Nicholas is a good man, but he never seems to have any fun. For him it's always work, work, work. I'm not even sure if there's anything in his head anymore. No questions, nothing." *I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline *Got a bible in my hand, and a beard on my chin *But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine *Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699 Lying stiffly in bed, he kept as far away from his wife as he could. "I'm not hungry. I have discipline. I'm not hungry..." he chanted like a mantra. "Arrgh," he growled at himself. Getting up, he picked up his bible from the bedside table. The cross on the cover singed his hand. He occupied his other hand by scratching his thick, itchy beard. After a while, he figured he would start on his chores. If all the chores were finished, then they could party. Unfortunately, that wasn't so great since it would be just like the crowded affairs of the late 16th century. Discipline, he thought silently and sighed. *We been spendin' most our lives livin' in an Amish paradise *I churn butter once or twice livin' in an Amish paradise *It's hard work and sacrifice livin' in an Amish paradise *We sell quilts at discount price livin' in an Amish paradise He churned butter, he plowed, he milked, fed the chickens, fed the family, sold quilts at discount price. It was hard work and sacrifice, but he loved it because it was penance, it was good. *A local boy kicked me in the butt last week *I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek *I really don't care, in fact, I wish him well *'Cause I'll be laughin' my head off when he's burnin' in hell He stayed with the buggy while the others went to get supplies from the store. A dark shape appeared in the twilight, spooking the horses. He calmed them down and realized it was LaCroix. Of course, his master had followed him and settled locally. "Nicholas, an Amish, how quaint." The whisper dripped with insincere politeness as LaCroix circled him, looking quite Amish himself in his black clothing. Nick said nothing. All of a sudden, he was kicked. Smiling at his sire, he turned the other cheek. LaCroix would burn in hell someday so he didn't mind. LaCroix kicked him again for smiling insolently. *But I ain't never punch a tourist even if he deserved it *An Amish with a tool, you know that's unheard of *And I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat *And my homeys agree I really look good in black, fool "Hey, look at the Amish lady! I'll bet she can't do it very well in bed, huh, man?" Nick looked at the jeering young faces in the car driving alongside them. "Boring, huh, man?" His wife touched his hand to tell him not to overreact. Oh, he wouldn't overreact. He wouldn't even touch them. With a slight smirk, he stared into their eyes and told them that they would only desire the wildness of Amish life and women from now on. When they had driven away, his overalls fell down. Darn, what he wouldn't give for a button. Shrugging, he thought, oh, well, I got a cool hat. And everyone agreed that he was the best-looking guy in the town. (Boy, vampire hearing was good.) He had vain flashbacks of looking good. *If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears *We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years *But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare *We're just technologically impaired *There's no phones, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury *Like Robinson Carusoe, it's as primitive as can be When teenage girls were dragged out to visit, they cried for lack of a phone and boredom. That amused him, as a vampire, he was usually quite happy with the lack of technology. *We been spendin' most our lives livin' in an Amish paradise *We're just plain and simple guys livin' in an Amish paradise *There's no time for sin and fights livin' in an Amish paradise *We don't fight, we only nice livin' in an Amish paradise He sat on the porch with Jebediah, Jacob, Ezekial and some other guys. They just sat and burped contentedly. There was nothing to say nothing to do which wasn't related to work, and they were so busy with that, there wasn't time for anything else. No fights, no sin. Life was good. *Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lotsa butter *Raise the barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another *Think you're really righteous, think you're pure at heart *Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art He hitched the buggy to the horses which loved him (guess why), he churned the nasty yellow butter, he raised the barn on Monday evening. By himself. He was admired for his dedication and quickness. Although his barns were never too good, so soon he would have to rebuild. But he was purer and humbler than everyone else so they didn't mind. *I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like *On my knees day and night, scorin' points for the afterlife *So don't be vain and don't be whiny *Or else my brother, I'm ahave to get medieval on your hiney Like I said, he was admired for his dedication. All the little ones considered him a role model. And he just thought he was doing penance so he wouldn't go to hell. Well, you can guess about the rest, can't you? Boy, could he get medieval. *We been spendin' most our lives livin' in an Amish paradise *We're all crazy Mennonites livin' in an Amish paradise *There's no cops or traffic lights livin' in an Amish paradise *But you'd probably think it bites livin' in an Amish paradise Oh, did I mention that Nicky liked to drive the buggy too fast and often caused a lot of accidents? Not like anyone remembers anyway. *Yechh! The End