LaCroix' Funhouse Part 1 by Elisa P. Black "Oh, come on Nick, please? I'll let you have my pizza with extra garlic?" Schanke looked for all the world like a desperate car salesman. Nick winced at the stench emanating from the monstrous slice of pizza. It was not so much from the garlic as it was from the combo of olives, anchovies, and goat cheese. He was almost to the point of begging for mercy when Cohen stepped up with a can of Lysol. "Detective Schanke, " she started menacingly, "I told you never -" "I know, I know. I'll eat it outside." Nick sighed with relief but then he found Schanke pulling him along. "Help," he wheedled to Natalie as they passed her in the hallway just arriving. Looking perky in a pretty peach suit with her hair down, she smiled broadly and patted him on the head. "I'll be waiting inside." Schanke dragged him to the side of the steps out front. "OK, let's try this again. That NightCrawler guy stopped by the house yesterday and gave me 6 tickets to the 1st Annual CERK Funhouse. I mean, this thing is exclusive. Invitation only. Then he found out I was a cop and insisted I bring my partner. In fact, he said that you had to come or we wouldn't be allowed in. And Jenny wants to go so bad. This is my chance, Nick. This is my chance to be a good father. Please??" Nick had tried to hold his breath but the stench seemed to have permeated his entire being. And Schanke had been gesticulating wildly with the pizza. He felt faint and found himself nodding off. "Thanks, Nick. You're a pal." Schanke celebrated by eating the pizza reverently as Nick fainted. Back inside, Nat was invited to join their little party by a bubbling Schanke. (No, really. He was frothing freely at the mouth. Musta been the pizza.) "Cool! And you'll love my costume." She winked conspiratorially at Nick. "Man, oh man, oh man! This is gonna be great! First, Myra and me'll take Jenny trick or treating. Then we'll head over to the Funhouse at 8:30 and meet you guys there." "Oooo, can I go trick or treating with you?" Nick asked excitedly. Nat gave him a 'Now why would an 800 year old vampire need to go trick or treating' look. "I just want to have some fun," Nick sulked. "Sure, you can come with us," Schanke sang out, oblivious to everything in his happiness, including the pair of glowing eyes he glanced thru the window, thinking they were decorations. *** Outside, LaCroix smiled. *** Nick knew that LaCroix must be up to something. He had a feeling that this was all meant for him. But he was going to be there for Schanke and Jenny whatever LaCroix was trying. Good thing he'd collected stuff over the years. There was one particular outfit he had in mind for a costume. He dug it out of the closet. Oh, great. Rusty. As he looked for some cleanser, the front door creaked open to reveal Nat and Schanke. "Hey," exclaimed the latter, "Nice Halloween touch!" Nick smiled indulgently. "Not really. I forgot to oil it." Nat had caught sight of his costume lying on the coffee table. "Oh, my knight in rusty armor." She entwined herself around him. "What are you two doing here? Night is a few hours away." Schanke looked confused. "I don't know." Nat imitated him. They left. *** A few hours later, Nick waited impatiently for the Schankes with an extra large trick or treating bag from KMart; they had run out of XX large. He heard the elevator moving and watched the door anxiously. It opened and he saw a pair of glowing golden eyes and 2 sharp fangs. He screamed. And the eyes and fangs came closer to reveal the pale Jenny. She seemed to float towards him until he realized she was being held by Schanke, dressed all in black. Nick breathed a sigh of relief. "And what are you supposed to be, Schank?" The ski mask smiled from ear to ear. "You should have seen your face when Jenny came in. And I'm supposed to be a shadow." Jenny was grinning delightedly. Actually, she made a cute little vampire. "Uncle Nicky screamed like a girl." He blushed. "It was a great costume and Schank, your's is very.... creative." Then Schanke came into the room. Nick was totally confused until he realized it was Myra. And he'd thought his costume was good. Shows how much he knew. With her was a small bed sheet with eyeholes introduced as Jenny's friend Julie. As they headed out into the night, Schanke eyed Nick's bag. "Only X-large? Oh, you must have gone shopping after I did. I got the last 2 XX-large." He got a growl in response. End Part 1 --- LaCroix' Funhouse Part 2 by Elisa P. Black After a short hour, they found themselves at the creepy Grimwald mansion. Alfred Grimwald was a miserly magician who scared the heck out of everyone. The lumbering house dripped with ivy and dust, the yard was decked out as a cemetery and the surrounding gate was bright orange with rust. Glow-in-the- dark Julie - Nick desperately wanted a bed sheet like that - was like a human lantern as they waded through the overgrown grass to the house. Nick stopped to look at a gravestone out of curiosity. It read: U. S. President Bill Cl----- (? - 1996) He talked too much and did too little. Oh well, thought Nick. It wasn't his problem what happened in the U. S. As he stood, the others started screaming. He felt the back of his pants. He hadn't heard or felt them rip. But then he realized he was wearing armor. He turned, "What?" The screaming image of Schanke made him smile as Myra pointed. At a grave further down, a zombie was climbing out. They stood frozen in place as the dripping, dirty, drooling, dead dude dived towards them. "It's Grimwald," whispered Nick to Schanke and Myra. "WELL. AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY IT??" an eerie voice boomed from everywhere. They stared blankly at the zombie. "TRICK OR TREAT." Julie gulped and timidly whispered, "Trick or treat?" The zombie burst out laughing, yelled, "TRICK!" and sat down gracefully. Casually, he ripped off his legs, handing one to each girl, then handed his left arm to Myra, his head to Schanke, and asked Nick to pull off his right arm. The vampire obliged, noting that it really felt like he was ripping it off. The body parts squirmed and the head asked that the body parts be buried separately around the place, except for the torso. The group followed the directions and the booming voice mumbled a few words. Then, POOF!, a lot of smoke and a camera-like flash. The whole zombie appeared in Schanke's arms. "Oooo," it drooled, kissing Schanke's forehead. Everyone clapped as much for the trick as for Schanke's bewilderment. Another POOF! and the zombie disappeared and simultaneously, the house lights went on. The front door opened and they saw it standing there. Myra realized something, "This is the funhouse." "Nat's not here yet and it's only 8. How 'bout we do some more trick or treating first?" Schanke suggested. As they left, the eerie voice boomed, "Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y' HEAR?" *** The zombie closed the door and turned as a tall man strode into the room. "Good work, my youngest child. When they come back, make sure they feel at home." "Yes, father. Yes, LaCroix." As the five headed up the walk of another house, they spotted someone dressed as a cat with a real cat on the person's shoulder. They looked like twins. "Hey, that looks like Sydney!" Jenny exclaimed. The big cat turned. "Oh, hi guys," it greeted them in Nat's voice, "What do you think?" "Cool!" Nick felt the fur on the costume. "It even feels like Sydney." "Meow," said Sydney. He hissed suddenly and pounced at the huge shadow hanging at the edge of Julie's glow. "Sydney! Sydney, hey, it's me, Schank!" Sydney sniffed at him and walked away but Nick thought he saw an evil glint in the cat's eye. He dismissed it and turned to Nat, who was purring and rubbing against him. "Oh, man!" Schanke complained, "Look what Sydney did." His pants were shredded and looked like a skirt of fringes. Myra winked at Nat and whispered sweet nothings into his ear. Julie and Jenny grew tired of all this and knocked on the door. It was opened by a large rat. "Trick or treat!" The door slammed shut. "Hey! Daddeee!" Schanke pulled away from Myra reluctantly. "What, honey?" "Oooo, lemme do it!" Nick ran up with Natalie dragging behind him. Myra grabbed Schanke back. Nick knocked a little too eagerly, splintering the wood. The huge rat was bug-eyed but stood his ground as he opened the door, or what was left of it. In a grown man's voice, he stuttered, "Please don't hurt me, mister. We ain't got no candy." Nick heard the slight rattle of candy in a bowl being held behind the man's back. He looked into the rat's eyes and heard the cool heartbeat sound as he exerted his control. "You'll give us some candy." "I'll give you some candy." The rat gave them the bowl and shut the door. "Yeah, Uncle Nicky!" The girls cheered as someone else came up the walk. It looked like a big burly version of Captain Cohen. "Hey, Knight. Schanke," the person called in a husky male voice, "It's me, Mendolson. You like my costume? Hey Schank, why aren't you wearing a costume?" This was addressed to Myra. Schanke spoke, "I'm over here. That's Myra and nice legs." He snickered. "I could say the same to you." Mendolson retorted. It's 8:22," announced Nat, "Let's get over to the Funhouse." "Hey, you going to that? So am I!" Mendolson smiled proudly. Nick, Schanke, and Nat rolled their eyes. They chacha-ed down the street towards the old house, which was dark again. End of Part 2 --- LaCroix' Funhouse Part 3 by Elisa P. Black They arrived at 8:30 sharp to see Barney doing gymnastics with the Power Rangers as they all sang the 'I Love You' song. Cringing in horror, the group raced for the warm light emanating from behind Grimwald the zombie in the doorway. At the last minute, the dead dude stepped aside to reveal... Legs. Pale toothpicks of legs. Bright, tiny, tiger-print ladies' bikini briefs stretched painfully tight over a small hump. A pure, marble-white, flat stomach. A teeny tiger-print bikini top crumpled over a flat chest. LaCroix' evilly grinning face. "Velcome to my humble home," he purred in a terrible Transylvanian accent to their shocked faces. Mendolson blubbered. "Uh, h-hello, m-ma'am." Everyone else screamed and they all made for the darkness. And all smacked into a wall full-tilt; except for Nick who snickered to their annoyance. Boy, he loved his vamp vision. But even Nick didn't see LaCroix bounding after them as gracefully as a gazelle. It was going to be a fun night for the master vampire. Heh, heh, heh... The End