Ironic song by Alanis Morissette story by Elisa P. Black *An old man turned ninety-eight *He won the lottery... Jackson Willits had never won anything before in his life. He didn't think he would start now on his ninety-eighth birthday, but he tried anyway. There was nothing else more entertaining he could get on his monthly benefits. Turning on the old black and white T.V., he grumbled at the cheery pictures of young teens partying in a pool. Damn youngsters, didn't they know the value of time? The commercial ended and a familiar music began. "The Toronto Lottery!" cried the announcer. "Aww, shaddup," muttered Jackson, setting his lottery ticket on the coffee table. He leaned forward unconsciously. The machine was started and the balls bounced around. The lady on the screen thumbed a switch. "27!" Scanning the numbers on the ticket, he smiled; he'd never gotten anywhere near the first number before, never had a chance at the big jackpot. "7!" He chuckled at himself. No way he would win. It was just impossible. He settled back, still staring at the ticket. "8!" He shook his head; this couldn't be happening. "25!" His fingers beat a restless tattoo on the arm of his torn and sagging chair. "56!" His mouth twisted anxiously. "2!" His eyes went wide as saucers and he thought his heart would explode. "3!" "YES!" his gleeful yell rolled like thunder through the tiny clapboard house. * ... and died the next day The next night, Jackson was out on the town, spending the rest of his monthly check; soon he would be receiving his lump sum. Bedecked in comfortable, tailor-made Italian clothes and soft leather shoes, he gunned the motor of his brand new, black Lamborghini with a wicked gleam in his eyes. Laughing recklessly, he screeched around the corner without slowing. Ahh, this is the life, he thought. Eighty years and he was just beginning to live. Maybe those kids in the commercial knew what they were doing after all. Maybe he should go see Martha, the lovely lady who lived a few blocks away. For weeks he'd been pining away and now, well... why not? --- A dark shadow landed on the sleek black car and held itself impossibly still. The dim faraway lights of the broad avenue shone dully on a serene grin with sharp fangs and eyes of strange reflectivity. As the car swerved sharply from side to side, a low chuckle rose and was swept away by the roaring wind. --- He would wine her and dine her, swaddle her in the luxury she'd probably never gotten before. Lovely Martha would perhaps appreciate a trip? France, maybe? "Ah, ma cherie." He mangled it terribly and grimaced. "Aww, forget France! What's so good there anyway?" "You'd be surprised," spoke a soft, silky voice beside him. He barely had time to scream as the shadow attacked. --- "Yum!' murmured LaCroix. ======= *It's a black fly in your chardonney On Nat's last date, she had gone to a chic French restaurant with a handsome, dark-haired gentleman. She'd had fun. They had an intelligent and funny conversation about everything from their careers to aliens and were completely at ease with each other. Then she had looked down at her glass of chardonney to hide a blush that had risen with one of his compliments. A dead black fly floated in it. And of course she found out later that he was a serial killer. ======= *It's a death row pardon two minutes too late "I didn't do it! Please don't kill me! Please!" Jason Haberly screamed and cried to no avail. Breaking free for a second, he punched a guard, knocking the burly man out. Ten other guards popped out of nowhere to hold him still. They half-dragged, half-carried him into the room. "No, no, please! It wasn't me! I didn't kill him! I'm innocent!" They strapped him down. "STOP! PLEASE! NO!" The switch was flipped. --- Nick half-flew through the precinct towards Captain Cohen's office. Bursting through the door, he dropped a plastic evidence bag on her desk, his wide panicked eyes making her heart jump. "Stop the execution of Jason Haberly! He didn't do it! The real killer's being brought in by Schanke right now!" With quick, sure movements, Cohen placed a phone call. When she hung up the phone, her grim look turned remorseful. "They just flipped the switch two minutes ago." Nick moaned with guilty sorrow. ======= *And isn't it ironic? *Don't you think? The NightCrawler smiled. ======= *It's like rain on your wedding day *It's a free ride when you've already paid *It's the good advice that you just can't take *And who would have thought, it figures Janette was gorgeous in a creamy white dress which surprised Nick. He had no idea she would prefer such an innocent tradition, but then again, what did he really understand about her? LaCroix led her toward the church steps-- again, another tradition which shocked Nick, but who was he to argue with Janette's plans?-- and he couldn't help but think of how LaCroix would appreciate the irony. The moon glowed softly, bringing Janette's satin and lace to an eerie, magnificent life even as it lovingly clung to her skin. She smiled at him and he smiled back, compelled by her stunning beauty as he had been the first time he'd seen her. But even as he felt his heart skip with joy, he knew that this marriage would draw him inexplicably closer to the seductive evil he wanted to escape. LaCroix knew it too, as evidenced by the half-smirk on the smooth, pale face. As the vampire took his place as best man, he whispered to Nick, "Let go of your guilt, Nicholas. You'll be much happier." Then it began to rain. ======= *Mr. Play-it-safe, he was afraid to fly He'd always envied Superman. The strength, the looks, the superpowers, but especially, the courage. Flying was for the birds and aliens, not foolhardy people who always had to rush somewhere. But Captain Cohen had insisted that either he or Nick go. Nick couldn't because of that darn skin condition which wouldn't do for the long flight and drive that would have to be taken. Why couldn't the damn people come get their own prisoner? The worst part was that the flight left in an hour. *He packed his suitcase, kissed his kids good-bye Throwing in one last item, he snapped shut the suitcase and walked over to Jenny's room to say good-bye. She slept with her favorite teddy, Donnie, nestled in the crook of her arm and was watched over by a jungle of stuffed animals. He smiled indulgently at the sight and leaned down to plant a kiss on her forehead. She awoke, confused and groggy. "Daddy?" "I have to go away for two days. Be a good girl for me?" She nodded and kissed his cheek, falling right back to sleep. --- Myra walked him to the terminal. "I'll miss you, Don. Be careful, OK?" "Sure, honey. You be careful, too. Don't want anything to happen to our new baby." He patted her belly which was just beginning to bulge. He kissed it and she giggled, then he kissed her for a long time, oblivious to Cohen's glare. *He waited his whole damn life to take that flight Buckling into his window seat, he felt an adrenaline rush of fear and anticipation. The plane was nothing more than an engine with wings and the thought scared him. At the same time, the whole thing was like a miracle bringing him one step closer to his childhood hero. *And as the plane crashed down, he thought,"Well isn't this nice?" He looked out at the beautiful bodies of water and bright green fields and the tiny houses which reminded him of the Mister Rogers' Neighborhood miniatures. Then the little bags of honey- roasted peanuts came. Cohen handed hers to him without a word. Well, isn't this nice? He didn't know that terrorists had hijacked the plane with orders to crash it. *And isn't it ironic? *Don't you think? The NightCrawler whispered those chillingly calm words to his listeners, and especially to Nick. *It's like rain on your wedding day *It's a free ride when you've already paid *It's the good advice that you just can't take *And who would have thought, it figures "We had everything planned out a month in advance and we weren't going to let anything stop us, especially not the weather. My sister Karen was my best friend and my maid of honor. She helped me pick out the loveliest dresses for all the girls at the wedding. They were a pale blue and the layered skirts were like a cloud, the neckline was a V, and it was off the shoulder with tiny flowers on the little sleeves. The guys were all in classical black tuxes, no cumberbunds, and there were roses all over the place, like a forest of them in all colors. "My skirt was also like a cloud, and the bodice was tight lace, and there were tiny spaghetti straps which made me feel so deliciously free. My headpiece had the regular veil, but there were strings of tiny white flowers hanging down randomly. My bouquet was made up with white, yellow and peach roses, china blue baby's breath, other flowers I can't remember. I was concentrating more on my feelings, my joy. I felt like a princess, at once simple and sophisticated, and a bit wild. "Daddy took my arm and led me to the aisle, and then the rain and the music began, but it was like nothing and my heart was swelled with happiness. Donny was waiting at the altar with a beautiful smile on his handsome face, and suddenly I felt as if there were nothing and no one else in the world, it was just the two of us, and we had all of eternity together." Myra smiled bitterly at the memory, her eyes shining with tears. Natalie sympathized and urged her to continue. "I felt so proud. Daddy had given me his mother's gorgeous antique necklace-- a string of real, unmatched pearls with a lovely ivory cameo. Karen had trusted me with her exquisite sapphire and diamond earrings. Mom had bought me...," Myra gave a little laugh,"a G-string and given me a wink. And the thing was that Mom and Karen hadn't really liked Don. He was a bit of a wild man back in those days. They warned me that he would break my heart someday. "I guess they were right." Myra broke down into heaving sobs. Nat hugged her. ======= *And life has a funny way *Of sneaking up on you when you think everything's OK and everything's going right *And life has a funny way *Of helping you out when everything's going wrong and everything blows up in your face The NightCrawler revealed to his listeners what they already knew in their hearts. ======= *A traffic jam when you're already late There were a million things which had to be done, a million cases which had to be examined, and one very important cure to find. Natalie laughed at the irony of the situation. Plenty of time for Nick to find a cure, hardly any for her to do so, and here she was, stuck in a traffic jam, listening to the NightCrawler, and late for work. *A no smoking sign on your cigarette break Eyeing the loud red sign, she wondered where Nat was. It wasn't like her friend to be so late. Maybe the doctor got stuck in the traffic jam. While she was worrying, she might as well take a smoke, she thought as her eyes shifted about to make sure the area was clear. After all, worrying did heighten her need... "Grace! I hope you weren't thinking about ignoring doctor's orders?" Nat was looking at the pack of cigarettes she held. "I put up that sign for a reason, you know." Grace sighed. She guessed she'd just have to be a bit cranky for the night. *It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife She snapped on the plastic gloves and pulled back the sheet. Reaching for a scalpel, she examined an ugly bruise on the corpse's chest. Looked like someone had punched him there really hard. Hard enough to kill the burly prison guard? Her trained hand brought back the right instrument and she prepared to make the stomach incision... Nothing was happening. No cut with congealed blood was forming. She looked at the scalpel. No, not a scalpel. A spoon. Her eyes widened in disbelief. How did it get in the tray...? The tray was full of spoons. Lots of spoons. And no knife. Someone was going to pay for this. *It's meeting the man of my dreams... He had proposed. Nick had proposed. He'd convinced her to play hooky, even though there had been a three-month-old corpse of an old man who had won the lottery just before he died and seemed to be missing a lot of blood now waiting to be autopsied. Then he'd whisked her off to Paris where he'd taken her for a whirlwind night on the town which had surpassed even her best dreams. And he'd led her to a romantic spot by the river, gotten down on his knee, looked up with doting eyes and a puppy dog grin, flashed a wondrous ring of epic proportions and proposed with the sweetest French accent. She'd forgotten all practicality and said yes. * ... and then meeting his beautiful wife Happily, he swept her up into his arms and spun her around. Then she felt him stiffen suddenly. "What...?" she started to ask, but then caught sight of Janette who was watching them with distant amusement. Nick set her down and stepped in front as if to shield her. "Oh, don't worry, Nichola. I won't hurt Natalie. I have a healthy respect for the doctor really. I just thought I would remind you that we never divorced since we were married before." Nick blanched. *And isn't it ironic? *Don't you think? *A little too ironic *Yeah, I really do think Janette told them that, filled with a bitter laughter she would not show, and kissed Nick full on the lips. "One last time, cherie. I shall not hold that marriage against you, do not worry. I release you to annoy the good doctor now." She gave a throaty laugh. "I wish you two the best of luck." Then she was gone. *It's like rain on your wedding day *It's a free ride when you've already paid *It's the good advice that you just can't take *And who would have thought, it figures For a brief time, Nat had wondered why Nick proposed. She supposed that it had to do with Schanke's death and the realization that they wouldn't have much time together. But what about the problems? LaCroix? The wedding night? She couldn't help but think of Janette's advice,"If you are married, you will be almost defenseless against LaCroix. You probably should not do this." The marriage was to take place by the lake at night. Much better for Nick and his friends. Natalie had been surprised when Janette had agreed to be the maid-of-honor; she felt a special sisterly connection to the beautiful woman and apparently Janette felt the same. The bridesmaids were Grace and Myra, the flower girl, Jenny. All the ladies were in aqua dresses very much like the ones at Myra's wedding, ironic but gorgeous and apparently making Myra very happy. The tuxes, too, were a classical black with no cumberbunds. But instead of roses, there were lilies, forget-me-nots, and camellias. Like a dream, she floated in the yards of fluff which resembled a skirt. The bodice was off-the-shoulder, body hugging satin with lace trim. The veil was a pale mist, a representation of the barrier between herself and Nick, and she felt for the first time as if that barrier could be blown away with a single breath. Her arm was linked through the arm of a frail old man, a family friend who was like an uncle to her, and she felt glad for the excuse to see him after all these years. He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze as they made their way down the moonlit aisle. It was a gorgeous night of clear sapphire blue filled with happy stars and a slice of moon. Nick stood waiting, looking surprised and ecstatic, a silly lopsided grin on his face which made Natalie want to run to him and laugh joyfully. --- He couldn't believe this was happening. He was marrying Nat! He tried really hard not to grin so stupidly, but he couldn't help it; she was just too beautiful. There seemed an almost holy aura around her as the moon brought her dress to a twinkling, dancing life and her eyes sparkled as brightly as the stars. He wanted to pick her up and whisk her away into an isolated paradise. His heart was racing, well, at least it was to him. The veil was nothing to his vampire eyes, but it was there nonetheless, and soon the fragile mask would be lifted, and they would be one. LaCroix hadn't even put in an appearance. But he wouldn't worry about that now. He caught a glimpse of Janette smiling with sad approval and then all of his attention was back on Natalie. --- "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Those were the most wonderful words they had ever heard. Before the preacher had even finished saying them, they were already reaching for each other, together now, lost to the thunderous applause. Let LaCroix come. Together, they were stronger than apart. Truly together, that is. He came, and rain came with him. He was very angry, but that was OK. They were oblivious to all. And from their union came a shining magic, so bright and so pure that LaCroix was taken aback. When the light receded, Nick was crying human tears. Ironically, LaCroix was crying, too. ======= *And you know, life has a funny way *Of sneaking up on you *You know, life has a funny, funny way *Of helping you out *Helping you out Wiping away a streak of red, he was filled with reborn memories and renewed pain. The old man he had attacked in the black Lamborghini months ago had been thinking of a bright, pure lady and now he was, too. He had treated himself to a fresh snack and come back with fresh pain for his lost Fleur. He knew at that moment that he would never take Natalie away from Nick. Ironic, don't you think? The End